I used to hear this voice in my head when I was a kid. The voice sounded like a woman’s voice. It spoke very quickly and very loudly. It always sounded like it was in the distance, which made it difficult for me to decipher what the voice was saying. Because I never understood what it was saying, I never felt like it was telling me to do anything. The voice wasn’t a manifestation of my own thoughts (someone has asked me if I thought it was the case). This was something else.
I used to hear this voice at night a lot. I can’t remember very well, but I think it would appear when I felt stressed or anxious. I never knew what to do about the voice except to just bear with it. Eventually, it would go away.
There was a long period in my life when I didn’t hear the voice.
Sometime night during the last two weeks of me writing my MA thesis, the voice came back. This was around the end of August. I was sitting in the same place I am sitting in now – on a shitty vintage chair in front of the purple wall in the living room of my shared apartment. My roommate Meg was talking to me about some issues she was having with her relationship but I couldn’t focus on what she was saying because I suddenly started to hear that voice in my head. Side note: hearing that voice always makes me bow my head involuntarily, slowly and steadily. I do it because the voice is too much and my body (my head) curls as a response. Bowing in response. Very odd.
So it was the same voice. Yelling. Fast. But always in the distance. I still couldn’t make out what the voice was saying. I had to interrupt Meg to tell her I couldn’t focus on what she was saying because the voice had come back. I took an Ativan in hopes of calming down. I never take my Ativan pills because I am scared of them (even more than I am scared of my anxiety, I suppose). I popped the pill back and within a couple of minutes, the voice disappeared.
I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t taken the Aitvan. I wonder why the voice left for so long. I wonder if the voice is trying to tell me something. I wonder if the voice belonged to anyone I know. I wonder why my body reacts this way when I feel extremely anxious. Why a voice in my head? I wonder when I will hear it again.