For the last month or so, I’ve been questioning my hairstyle choice (and my style in general). I’ve had this DIY, short, asymmetrical cut for about three years now. And I’ve generally really liked it. I like it not only because I feel like it suits me, but also because I do it myself and I feel good about saving that money so I can spend on other things that make me feel really good (like eating out with friends). But lately, I’ve been feeling uncertain about my hair. I’ve been daydreaming about long locks, about wavy hair with volume, having enough length to dye my hair many different colours at once. I come across POC bloggers like Arabelle of Fashion Pirate and lust over her hair, thinking, OMG I CAN DO IT TOO I WANT IT. I find myself wishing I “looked good” with long hair. I have somehow convinced myself that only short hair styles are “flattering” for my face. I think I am going through a bit of a “I’m-not-femme-enough” period. And a “I-should-be-more-unique-what-the-fuck-is-up-with-my-banal-gay-haircut” period. And a “I-want-to-stand-out-more-and-I-should-not-play-into-that-Asian-stereotype-and-I-want-to-be-sexier” period. God, I can’t even stand myself.
I think what/who is partly to blame are bloggers and blogs. One of my favourite leisure activities is following style and crafting blogs. Jumping from blog to blog and having ten plus browsers open works really well for me as a Gemini rising. I feel like I have exposed myself to quite a large number of blogs, yet I find myself doing circuits between only a few types of aesthetics. If it’s not the ephemeral, translucent aesthetic of a white blogger with long hair and clothes from fancy vintage stores, then it’s the whimsical aesthetic of a white mama blogger with a nice family and the goddamn cutest fucking baby. And I get totally sucked in, scouring my local Value Village for more gold picture frames and kitschy kitchenware with so many rust spots they must be hazardous to my health. Sometimes I look around my room and my apartment and wonder how I let these bloggers I don’t even really know decorate my entire living space.
(But it’s also not just the pretty, straight white bloggers. It’s also femmes of colour with whom I compare myself. But fuck, that’s another blog post that I’m not quite sure I am ready to write.)
But, sometimes, when I am able to be easier on myself, I tell myself that these things make me feel kinda good. And feeling good is hard to come by. It’s so important for me to remember that if I’ve found something that makes me feel even slightly happy (and I’m not causing too much harm to others), then hold on to it for as long as it still makes me feel good! Let it go when it becomes stale and allow myself to be changed in the process of being exposed to other aesthetics and forms. As Iris of Bossy Femme recently said:
One thing I’ve learned about myself is that it takes me about six months to go from hating something and believing I will never to do it to loving something so much that I become a major proponent. I remember when I thought I would never wear skinny jeans, floral print, navy blue with black, short skirts, high heels, big eyeliner… you get the idea. Eventually, all of this stuff comes at you in a context that you find appealing and you begin to get just as stoked about it as everyone else…I don’t feel scared of being labelled a hipster because while I do love listening to records & drinking my coffee out of jars, I love other things, too. (I assume something similar is true for most people.) Better yet, I know I will learn to love all kinds of things that I haven’t even considered. And that’s pretty badass.
Anyway, all the new lipsticks I’ve recently purchased is helping (I’ve visited the MAC counter at Yonge station at least two times in the last week). I feel really proud of myself for wearing lipstick and accentuating these lips that I feel self-conscious about. And so, I’m gonna keep layering that lipstick on for as long as it protects me from my critical self.